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BFC World Cup Preview

Rule 1.  If you’re American, then root for America.  I don’t care where your grandma lives, or where you cousin was born.  If you talk like an American, you’re an American and should support your team in international competition as such.  If you need clarification on this point, move back to the ancestral country for a while.  The people in the ancestral homeland will call you a name that translates back into American English as, “American guy.”

Corollary to rule 1: the converse is not true.  If you do not have an American accent, but you would like to support America, and/or be an American, then go for it.

I’m about to watch USA v. England with a bunch of English people.  I’m going all out American chauvinism.  There is no “go USA, despite the fact I didn’t support our foreign policy in the Bush years.”  That’s what the British expect from liberal Americans, and they’ll verbally pick you apart for it.  We can’t beat them at their own game, and by their game I mean being a freedom hating wuss.  It’s fried chicken and freedom fries for me baby!  The only reason I’m watchin this damm sport is cuz it’s cloudy.  Cuz when the suns out, guns out, that’s what I say.  I’d rather be killin’ defenseless animals!  U. S. A!

I’m not advising you on how to vote here.  I’m suggesting a character to pick up when you need to hold your own at a bar full of Brits.  I’m going to be in Brooklyn, but still out numbered.  I’m going red blooded, redneck.  The further I take it, the more ironic it will be (everyone knows that deep down I’m a freedom hating wus too).   Most Englishmen have never actually met a conservative american despite spending all their time hating on the stereotype.  They’ll be caught off guard and flummoxed. Then ask them it they’d like to kill anymore pelicans with their oil.  After all, a man doesn’t go to a sporting event at a bar to make friends.

That said, in the event American is eliminated from competition, I’m going to cheer for England.  And that’s not because I have English blood, it’s because as a scientist, I want England to win to set off a natural experiment on how drunk a country can get.

One Response to “BFC World Cup Preview”

1. 

   Allan June 14th, 2010, 4:12 pm

   I agree with Rule #1! And the fact that there is no Rule #2 just underscores the importance of Rule #1.

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